July 16

July 16th

"SELF-PITY IS A SLIMY, BOTTOMLESS PIT. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound.

Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth. While you focus on Me in trust, you rise ever so slowly out of the abyss of despair. finally, you can reach up and grasp My hand. I will pull you out into the Light again. I will gently cleanse you, washing off the clinging mire. I will cover you with My righteousness and walk with you down the path of Life."

Psalm 42:5; Psalm 147:11

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That dark, damp, evil whole of depression is one place I never, ever want to be again. high school can be a pretty dark place too. While I had a lot of fun, there are a lot of bad choices I made during that time of my life. There were a lot of good ones made as well, and self-knowledge made too. There were many dark times of my life in those days, I would never want to go back and be a teenager again. Fighting with my parents, mostly my dad, and having responsibilities that a teenager shouldn't have. However, I should have stepped up to the plate and been more helpful for my dad and brother than I was. I was too concerned about myself, my boyfriend, friends, and being depressed inwardly to think about how I was affecting others. Not too long after I moved back to the U.S. from after living in Germany with my brother and father (parents divorced years earlier and Mom was back in the States) after getting into a physical altercation with my father... my "beloved" boyfriend was killed in a freak accident at a gun shooting range he was at with his uncle and father. He had also recently moved back to the U.S. and we were going to visit eachother shortly after I moved back. I think, after that happened, I pretty much sunk into a dark whirlwind of depression and any thoughts of God went out the window.

I was about 16. I was pretty damn good at hiding my depression outwards, but inwardly, I was so incredibly self-destructive. It continued on and got a bit better after meeting one of my best friends, then switching schools and moving in with my Gparents. My poor Gparents, I took a lot out on them, but they are and always have been wonderful to me, put up with me, loved me, took care of me, fought with me, and they let me have a lot of free-rein. Got into trouble here and there, but as I got older, I had the nagging tug at my thoughts and mind that was God trying to call me back to him. Which, I ignored for a few more years.

At 18, I got pregnant. I'd been dating a guy for a few years (we ended up staying together for 7 years in total--from 16.5 until over a year ago with one major break up in between for a year and half) already and had decided to keep the baby. Unfortunately, I didn't find out until after I'd been the passenger during a car accident and after a heavy night of drinking a week or so before the accident. While I don't open up about this a whole lot, but it's time to stop carrying the guilt. I've let go of it, but I ended up having to abort the baby due to medical complications and we felt that was best for all of us at the time. There was no way I could have gone through a miscarriage. Probably would have shook my world even more. Complications that were caused by my recklessness. It was heartbreaking and devastating. Not something I ever want to go through again in my life. Hardest decision I have ever had to make.

I basically walked through a lot of fog for a while. Thankfully, my mother found an amazing church that really hit me. Hit me where it hurts and the words our Pastor spoke, the words of Jesus, had me on my knees crying and begging for Him to hold me and to take away my pain, my anger, my worries, my depression, all the negativity in my life. I was Saved then, as my mother was saved in jail from multiple DWIs. We have both been on a struggling path since then, but we know that all we have to do is cry out to Jesus, and His hand is there to help us, to pull us out of whatever hole we may have gotten ourselves into. I Thank Him immensely. He saved me because He loves me. Loved me enough to die for all of MY sins. MY wrongdoings, MY bad decisions. He was willing to take the rap for all of it, because He loves me THAT much. He loves us all THAT much. I don't think it's too much of Him to ask that we love Him back and spread the word about His love...and how amazing it is. How He can change your life in the utmost best way possible.

Thank you for letting me share that. It brought back years of memories, good and bad, tears, and emotions that I will never forget. But I am grateful that He made it all better. He is still working on me, as He is you.