My most sincere apologies on neglecting this blog. Not having it in my life has reminded me WHY I need to doing my daily devotionals, it helps to keep me in better relationship with God and better with myself.
Life has been incredibly busy and crazy, I don't even know where to start. I probably should have started by reading my last entry... I don't remember when my last post was or what it was about.
A year ago, my little family was blessed with our first child. Born 7 weeks early and spending two weeks in the NICU, our sweet little girl was welcomed home at the end of January 2014. She is one incredible little girl, keeping up with the babies and milestones of her actual age, we celebrated her first birthday just last month and she is close to being 13 months old. Our life has turned upside down and right side up with her in it, and I am experiencing one of God's greatest blessings; being a mother. It is incredible and has been such an eye opening journey; however, I have let the busy-ness of it affect my relationship with God. I have not taken the time for Him nor made room for Him after bringing our sweet little Amelia home. And I am so ashamed. My heart hurts and aches for the hurt, disappointment, and neglect God has suffered because of me. I let Him down and I let myself down. I am trying hard to get back on track and where we were, at the very least.
The last few days in Jesus Calling has struck me, straight to the heart. Like I was meant to read it, like it was written just for me. And it hurts, because the truth hurts and my heart knows this. I'm embarrassed and ashamed on so many levels. I am struggling in my try. It's not easy, it's very hard, but I know I can do it and overcome the battles in my way. I just have to remember to reach out and call for my Lord's help. He is there, I just have to let Him in. I have shut him out (knowingly), so it's harder to hear Him call to me. We truly are our own worst enemies.
Let me write out the last couple of pages that resonate with my heart. I cried deeply reading each and every one of these... because they are exactly what I needed to read/hear, exactly what I'm struggling with and going through.
"February 4,
BRING ME YOUR WEAKNESS, and receive My Peace. Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything. Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning. Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to Me. As you live in the radiance of My Presence, My Peace shines upon you. You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel, because you will be focusing on Me. The best way to get through this day is step by step with Me. Continue this intimate journey, trusting that the path you are following is headed for heaven." Just to get a little personal, aside from the sweet baby girl (or babyzilla we lovingly call her), our family has changed our lives drastically. My husband got out of the military and we moved across the country, leaving amazing friends (we had no family there) behind. Moved with one baby, two dogs, two cats, a horse, and all of our house possessions in a truck, car, and huge moving truck. We've been living with his parents for the last 5 months while we have to wait on other critical things to be worked out that will determine where we can even start looking for a new place to settle and live.. and we're still waiting. My in-laws are absolutely wonderful people who have welcomed us into their home with open hearts and arms. We are so incredibly thankful and blessed--although I am starting to feel cramped; baby things eeeeverywhere, as you can imagine, lol! And not much space for our things. They certainly do not mind, but my anxiety had started to climb. Not just due to all that, but I also had to close my business in our old location and register and start it out here--lots of stress! But I am feeling confident about the direction my business is going and I am very excited for what this year has in store for us. There is a LOT to look forward to, it has just been hard. So the above by Sarah Young really struck hard with me. Especially the: "Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning," because that is exactly what I have been doing! With finding us a home and organizing my business. It has been stressful because I have let it be stressful. I didn't and have not prayed about it. I have not asked for His direction or even just let it be for a few days for Him to work out and for me to come back to later. No. I had to control it all and control it NOW.
"February 5,
SEEK MY FACE, and you will find not only My Presence, but also My Peace. To receive my Peace, you must change your grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust. The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand. Ask My Spirit within you to order your day and control your thoughts, for the mind controlled by the Spirit is Life and Peace.
You can have as much of Me and My Peace as you want, through thousands of correct choices each day. The most persistent choice you face is whether to trust Me or to worry. You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what. I am an every-present help in trouble. Trust Me, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."
Mmmmhmm! Exactly.
I bawled tears of sadness, hurt, frustration, fear, embarrassment... all those tears of emotion you do when you run to your mommy because you're hurting inside. Today was especially a very difficult day...
"February 6,
COME TO ME AND REST, I am about you, to bless and restore. Breathe Me in with each breath. The way just ahead of you is very steep. Slow down and cling tightly o My hand. I am teaching you a very difficult lesson, learned only by hardship.Lift up empty hands of faith to receive My precious Presence. Light, Life, Joy, and Peace flow freely through this gift. When your focus turns away from Me, you grasp for other things. You drop the glowing gift of My Presence as you reach for lifeless ashes. Return to Me; regain My Presence."
^^ I swear, talking to my heart and soul, reading that felt like He was begging for me to return to Him and seek him. My heart just broke. Because I need to. I want to.
And finally.. today's. All of these. It's obvious what the message is and I hear Him loud and clear!
"February 7,
COME TO ME FOR REST and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.
Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.
This sounds like an easy assignment, but it is not. Your desire to live in My Presence goes against the grain of "the world, the flesh, and the devil." Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against these opponents. However, you are on the path of My choosing, so do not give up! Hope in Me, for you will again praise Me for the help of My Presence."
The truth in that is so... so profound. I cannot even explain to anyone. I have been weary. I have been so extremely exhausted. And my teething baby is only a small part of it. My patience, my happiness, my lack of joy for everything and anything has been affected. It is barely there and my husband has been greatly concerned about me. I have been depressed. For many reasons, but the main one being I have neglected my relationship with the Lord and I am suffering greatly for it. In so many ways. Lately, it seems like my life has been a story of, "When it rains, it pours," because I have failed to call upon the Lord, my umbrella, that shields me and aids me when I so greatly needed Him.
Thankfully, I did not have to hit a rock bottom again to get to this point. And to be honest, I have not opened up my Jesus Calling book in a very long time. It being in storage right now is not an excuse. I also have the book as an app on my phone. It is accessible so easily, I have just chosen to ignore it as well. I was beckoned to read it last night, there was a stirring in my heart, and I just cried when I read what February 4th's had to say. There's so much truth to it, there's no argument about that.
While I am going to be struggling for a while, I know it will all be okay. I am sad, I am hurt... but no longer frustrated. A small weight has been lifted from my chest. I know hard times are ahead of me, the struggle is real, lol. It's going to be hard to not let life and its frustrations get to me because it has become a habit to let it all in. Habits are hard to break, but I know with The Lord's help, I can over come it.
So for anyone else struggling out there, who may read this and go, "I know exactly what she means." I will pray for you. I pray this helps you, speaks to your heart and encourages you to keep on trying, call out to the Lord for His help, His love, His relief. Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on Him.
I can't give up. I have to lead by example and show my sweet girl how awesome a relationship with Jesus is!
Here is my sweetest blessing on her 1st Birthday :)
