Knock, Knock!

Like any human, I fall off track sometimes when life becomes overwhelming and complicated; forgetting to seek Him and His amazing guidance only to grovel for His forgiveness in being absent to His presence. I am greatly rewarded by blessings of many different kind.

God does not forget me, or you, no matter what goes on or has happened in your life or the world. I hope these daily devotions can help others as much as they have helped me.

For anyone who may be reading this, please do not post comments (or try to) bashing myself or my religious beliefs. I am not out there seeking you out for your differences to try and debate them. I respect that everyone is different, everyone has different religions and beliefs and I completely respect them for that as they have that right. I have been down many different roads in my young life, and this is what I have chosen because I feel it with every beat of my heart. I just ask that it be respected.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

17 September

"YOU WILL NOT FIND MY PEACE by engaging in excessive planning: attempting to control what will happen to you in the future. That is a commonly practiced form of unbelief. When your mind spins with multiple plans, Peace may sometime seem to be within your grasp; yet it always eludes you. Just when you think you have prepared for all possibilities, something unexpected pops up and throws things into confusion.

I did not design the human mind to figure out the future. That is beyond your capability. I crafted your mind for continual communication with me. Bring Me all your needs, your your hopes and fears. Commit everything into My care. Turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace."

1 Peter 5:6-7; Proverbs 16:9; Psalm 37:5

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I wish I had read this one on the day I should have. I have gotten lost the last few days and am working on putting my feet back in front of myself, asking for His guidance more than ever. Reading this devotional made me cry; it hit me really hard.

Before my husband deployed recently, we were semi "trying" to conceive a child. I always told myself that I would never be the kind to track my cycle in order to conceive, to just let things happen naturally according to God's plan. Well, I think I got a little too excited in the thought of "trying" and ended up almost obsessively tracking where I'd be ovulating, highly fertile, all that... I haven't quiet felt myself and while I have a few signs of pregnancy, at the same it could be numerous other things that were just coincidence. I have taken two at home tests and both have been an absolute negative. I know there are false negatives, but before taking the last one, I was pretty convinced that I wasn't/am not pregnant. It still hurt me. Left me sad and disappointed and over-analyzing. I had come to a peace about it when praying, but seeing the single, very definitive "not pregnant" line... it hurt, it stung...it was a reminder that I didn't pray and ask for His guidance. I left out the One most important. And then it made me hurt even more that I did that. I knew I should have asked for His guidance...and getting the "not pregnant" seemed to me like He was telling me, "See what happens when you do not include me in your plans? In your hopes and dreams?" I know it doesn't always happen that way cause it sounds mean, but that is what it told me. And I feel so shameful, so hurt and sad inside. I've been praying and apologizing, acknowledging what I did wrong and that next time, when David comes home in a few months, that we have all the time in the world and when it is right, when it is His timing, then that is when it will be.

I know there are such things as a "false-negative" on home tests and my monthly is late--but I'm pretty certain that is about to start (I'm writing this on the 21st of Sept and I was due to start yesterday), which saddens me even more. I am praying and asking for His Peace once more... and to take my hurt away.

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